Fathers have a lifetime influence over our lives. Listen in to hear reflections about my nuanced relationship with my father and learn about tools for healing the father wound.
Fathers have a lifetime influence over our lives, and our perceptions about our relationship with them determines if those memories fuel our future or diminish it. In honor of Father’s Day, I’m sharing a bit about my own dad and how my perception and relationship with him has changed over the years.
My dad gave me the most important gift of all: love. But, like all humans, he was imperfect and carried his own childhood wounds. In today’s episode, I unpack the characteristics of masculine, or father, energy and explain how you can reject toxic behaviors and heal their influence.
I want you to ask yourself, am I carrying any weight because of a father wound? No matter what stage of life you’re in, you have to set yourself free from the burdens of your past. I share a few journal prompts that can help guide your reflections on your relationship with your father figure. Listen in to hear about my nuanced relationship with my dad and learn tools for healing the father wound.
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[00:00:00] Dana Frost: Welcome to this week's episode of the Vitally You podcast. I'm Dana frost, your host coming to you from Miami beach this week. I'm going solo this week. I had this idea to do an episode in honor of father energy because this episode goes live on Americans' father's day. And I really just, I had four recorded episodes in the lineup and I really just didn't have the time to gather my thoughts.
[00:01:24] Before the deadline, my audio deadline deadline was here and I was here in Miami and I knew I needed to submit an episode, but I'm here with this very dear friend who is visiting from Wales. And she was my saving grace. When I returned to the us, after living abroad for 10 years, she's very special to my heart.
[00:01:44] And we haven't been together more than two years and I really wanted to savor every moment. And I know I'm not my most creative when other people are around. I just was like, I can't complete this episode for father's day, but I was just at the point of submitting my audio editing request with a different recorded episode.
[00:02:04] And I received this gentle internal nudge to ask for an extended deadline so that I could record the SLO episode when my friends left. you know, those nudges that you can't ignore and the nudges you should not ignore. Nudges are here to guide us towards a life that is aligned with our higher selves pay close attention to the nudges, everybody.
[00:02:30] So before we get started, I really want to offer a sincere shout out of gratitude to the team at swell podcasting because of their generosity with their time and their deadlines. I'm here to share my thoughts about the energy of. Fathers swell. Podcasting is my audio editing show notes and marketing assets team.
[00:02:53] And they have been beyond supportive from the launch of this podcast. They make the process enjoyable for me because I get to do the parts I love, which is the actual podcast. So thank you to swell. Okay. So we are going to talk about fatherhood on a podcast about feeling younger while growing older. Why am I doing this?
[00:03:14] I will tell you because fathers have a lifetime influence over our lives. Our perceptions about our relationship with our father determines if the influence fuels our future or diminishes it. Notice, I didn't say that the actual way the relationship is with our father determines. The way our, our future is if it's diminished or fueled.
[00:03:40] I said our perceptions about our relationship with our father figure a father's love attention and belief in us have the power to set us up for success professionally and personally it buoys confidence and the ability to strike into action. Conversely a father's wound can negatively influence our ability to bond and have non-reactive intimacy.
[00:04:09] Now, this is probably a really good time to share a little
[00:04:18] bit about my own dad, R I P Jerry Holt. I had an interesting dad. Remember my perspective has five decades of introspection, prayer, meditation, and therapy. My perspective of my dad and my relationship with my dad through the years has changed. I would say it has expanded in my teenage years, I was focused on his faults and what I felt he couldn't provide and what I believed I needed.
[00:04:46] Let me back up to my preteen years. He was busy working in my early years. He was an over the road truck driver, which he left and bought a bar business so that he could be. and he was home, but having a business, a bar business was all consuming. He owned Holts place. The friendly place Holt was my maiden name and his vision is right there in the tagline.
[00:05:12] The friendly place Holts place was a bar for the working class and it was a beloved bar. He was loyal to his customers and they loved him. He ran a successful business for decades. I have goosebumps thinking about being at his Memorial and his funeral. There were so many people honoring my dad and. He really was just a man with a huge heart and so much generosity.
[00:05:42] And I carry that into it's just in my DNA. It's in my cell memory. It's in my bones. This idea of love and gratitude. Well, so what I wanna say, I realize to a greater degree through the years is that my dad gave me the most important gift of. love. I never had to question. If I was loved, he expressed his love.
[00:06:09] He hugged me. He talked about working hard for me. He was generous with me. He expressed pride in my accomplishments. However, for all the love he had, he also had shortcomings as we all do. And this is an important point to realize, as you process your own relationship with your dad. He wasn imperfect because we are all imperfect narcissists decide.
[00:06:37] Most dads want to do a good job on behalf of their kids, but dads have their own childhood wounds. And my dad was no exceptions for reasons. I've never understood. I've never been privy to, he never talked about it, but I could see my dad had a self-esteem issue and he ended up having. I will tell you a wicked midlife crisis that tossed our family into chaos.
[00:07:02] And my parents separated for three years. I don't have all the details of what transpired, but it was enough for my mom to abruptly pack her bags and leave. I know there was an affair or affairs. There were rumors of drug use. He went off the rails and I punished him for it by withholding my love from him.
[00:07:23] I felt wounded. I felt abandoned by his strong force of love in my life. My adolescent felt cuz I was still an adolescent. When I went to college, I was 18. How could he do this? I really just didn't understand. And I don't think I should have understood not at that. For all the love he gave me. I ended up with a father wound and let's be real.
[00:07:49] A lot of us have a father wound, which is why I wanted to talk about father energy. I want to emphasize that our perception is the key component. You'll notice my perception of my relationship with my dad shifted through the years. Healthy adults evolve and grow and seek understanding about their upbringing and why they do the things they do.
[00:08:14] They are not seeking to blame, but rather to understand and have context as we grow and mature, our perceptions will change because as we gain life experience, our understanding expands. So let's dive into father. the father energy gives rise to our potential in the workplace. It's the facing outward energy versus the inward energy that's feminine.
[00:08:43] The father archetype is one of the foundations of any culture. The father represents masculine energy. So what's masculine energy. Its root is doing versus being, which is the root of feminine energy it's action oriented. It's characterized by logic and reason self-assurance confidence, discipline problem, solving, structure self-control and competition.
[00:09:09] Okay, let's pause for a moment. Don't go PC on me. The current trend aside. I believe there are masculine and feminine traits. Yes. Both sexes have feminine and masculine characteristics, but from time eternal, there has been a distinction between energies that are innately male and energies that are innately female.
[00:09:35] Father falls under the masculine. I encourage you to be willing to see your father in a true light seek truth, over judgment, seek, understanding over victimhood. Ultimately, we want to make peace with our past, and this is why a conversation about father energy is important in feeling younger while growing older.
[00:09:58] Father energy out of balance. It feels like narcissism, aggression, controlling, confrontational, and micromanaging. These are the characteristics you want to reject and create boundaries around a father's behavior that is out of balance is not your fault. And you can reject these behavior traits and heal their influence.
[00:10:23] now I can't give you a roadmap for healing. I have many podcasts where I talk about healing trauma. This really is this conversation about the father energy and our perception of it. I want you to be encouraged that I don't ever want you to let a wound to be the reason that your own growth is stunted.
[00:10:44] No freaking way. Use the struggle to grow. Evolve and shine, a light of transformation and overcoming I've seen people in their fifties and sixties suffering due to unresolved conflicts with their fathers. And I want you to get quiet for a few moments. Ask yourself, am I carrying a weight? Am I carrying any weight because of a father wound?
[00:11:11] You wanna empty all of the wounds, all the wounds you have carrying around, you wanna empty those, you wanna heal those, you shall know the truth and the truth shall set. You free. You have to see it to free it making peace. It doesn't need to be complicated, but it does require honest reflection. It might require trauma healing and the willingness to forgive and release.
[00:11:38] Someone and release yourself from any harm done. It is in your best interest to forgive your dad. If you have not. I promise in hindsight, I can see because of my father wound, my confidence took a hit. As I moved into college, I will tell you I sought safety. I was more risk averse than I had been in high school.
[00:12:03] I didn't participate in college as I had in high school. My college years really were the time I sought out therapy for the first time. You know, I was really struggling to make sense of what was happening in my family. And. I went inward. And actually when we're healing, we need the feminine energy.
[00:12:22] That's what we need. We need the quietness, the solitude, the being, instead of doing that was me in college. It took me about 20 years to fully understand my dad. I know, right. That's a long time. It seems like a long time. I needed to mature and have life experiences to appreciate and contextualize my dad.
[00:12:43] Let me take you back to my beginning comments. My foundation was that I always felt loved by him. And that was consistent. That feeling loved was a powerful force and it allowed me to continue to be successful in relationships. And I will say he did not pass along his self-esteem issue because he always assured me that I was loved.
[00:13:08] I would say to all the moms and dads. Love is the most important gift you can give the people you have influence over in your life. Be exuberant with your expression of love. Don't even give the people in your life, an opportunity to wonder if they are loved by you. Show them with words, with acts of service, with gifts.
[00:13:29] With quality time, I really began to understand my dad when I became a mom, the parental experience is so revealing and I think you have to move through all stages of parenting to fully appreciate both mother and father Energie. I'm about to become a grandmother. All my children are adults in the working world and still the influence of the mother and father energies is pertinent in their lives of my kids.
[00:14:00] modern culture needs strong dads and moms, moms, and dads are our guides. It's striking me right now in this moment that parents have been demoted while social media and the stream of feeds. We are exposed to have become the guides. okay. Let's go back to making peace and honoring the dads in your life in the world.
[00:14:23] But I, I really have to say, let's just, I want you to ponder that. What are we allowing to be our guide? Social media should not be our guides. They should not be. That should not be our children's guides either. We need strong dads who are exuberant with their love strong dads, who aren't afraid to mentor and guide the children in the.
[00:14:44] dads who will demonstrate how to show up in the world, how to take responsibility, how to lead, how to forgive, how to love. And yes, this brings me back to one of the biggest gifts my parents gave me. So you heard me talk about my dad's midlife crisis and the vitriol and the chaos that descended upon our family?
[00:15:04] Well, eventually they restored the relationship and had more than 20 years together before my dad passed my parents' ability to forgive and see one another in a new light in spite of wrongs committed was powerful. It was really powerful. They had three. Well, they probably had, I would say it started when I was in high school.
[00:15:26] So I don't know. They probably had, let's say seven to eight years of hell in their relationship, but their ability to heal their relationship, give one another and start fresh. It was powerfully impactful. And it actually, I believe fueled my own ability. Let's see, probably 40 years later. To also show up with forgiveness.
[00:15:52] Okay. So I want to lead you with a few contemplations. Who was your dad? Who was he? Really? What was his upbringing? And how did that impact the way he showed up for you as a father? What was his impact in your life? What wasn't he able to provide that you felt you needed? How can you make peace with the shortcomings and forgive him?
[00:16:17] what support do you need to make peace in your own heart? Look, I needed therapy. I needed the support of my faith. I needed different teachings on forgiveness. I'm sure everything I learned in my coach training. There were so many things that I needed. Essential oils for healing, so many things I needed.
[00:16:37] So, and other people, what do you need? What support do you need to make peace in your own heart? Be willing to give yourself that support. How have you been provided for in ways he was unable. I can see other people who provided father energy in my life throughout my formative years, there were other men who provided the father lens.
[00:16:58] And I learned from them. We are not stuck if our own fathers or if we don't have a father, if those, that father energy was unable to provide all we needed from the masculine energy were not stuck. I also understand that not everyone has a biological father, but we can receive a father's energy from other sources.
[00:17:19] There are women who provide the masculine touch and there are other men. For me, it was the father of my best friend in high school. It was an uncle and a few other male mentors in my life who have made a tremendous impact in my life. Regardless of where you are in life healing, the father wound, it is essential.
[00:17:41] If you are going to be vitally you and feel younger while growing older, it is never too late to go back in time and make peace with your past. Honestly, I know I always say this, but I really would love to hear your thoughts about father energy. Don't hesitate to send me an email or direct message me on Instagram.
[00:18:00] I send these podcasts out into the world and. I love to hear from you. I really, I know this is a one way conversation, but I feel it as a conversation with you, the community, does this resonate with you? What have you learned in your own life, from your own experience about father energy? What does feeling younger while growing older mean to you?
[00:18:23] Let me know, drop me an email. Super simple to reach me. Danette Dana frost dot. and let me know if you would send me an email and let me know what feeling younger while grow older means to you. I would love to share it with our listeners and I'm sure everyone would love to know if you like the show.
[00:18:40] Please share it with a friend and be sure to subscribe, leave a review and rate the show. I want to thank morning star C for this review in her flow. Dana has created a nurturing space where we all can grow from truly experience, feeling younger as we. Her solo episodes or her solo sessions rather are impactful and raw weaving in personal stories as well as challenging today's norms on health and aging.
[00:19:07] Dana's thoughtful and insightful questions. Create an interesting conversation with her guest when listening Dana's approach comes across effortless, write down to the tone of her soothing voice. Keep it up. I feel this podcast is your zone of genius. Thank you. Morning, star C. I am certainly having. So much fun with this podcast, I'm really enjoying it.
[00:19:28] So thank you. And thank you for joining me on the vitally podcast. Don't forget to download my free ebook tips for daily vitality. The link is in the show notes and until next week I am streaming love from my heart to yours.